Mild Weekends, Mountain Anatomy, and the Dream of Skibruary

We’re on the cusp of another Holiday Weekend, Bolton Fans, and the mountain is ready for that adrenaline surge. I don’t know what the implications of that sentence are for mountain biology. Where would the adrenal gland be, exactly? Obviously, the Base Lodge is the heart, the lifts are arteries (with the Vista Quad as the aorta), and the trails would be the veins. Skiers and riders are the life-blood...so, thanks for that. I suppose the Administrative Offices might be the brain. Which makes this newsletter either the unrestrained Id, or the lingering effects of a severe head injury.

In this issue:
~ Weekend Projections: MLK Holiday
~ Night Riders: Now 100% Hasselhoff-Free
~ Deals: Last-Minute Holiday Lodging
~ Vermont Adaptive Ski-A-Thon: Doing Good For Fun And Profit
~ Contest: Anagrams

Weekend Projections: MLK Holiday 
It seems like January is nothing but holidays—and if it were up to me, that’s exactly how it would be. I’ve supported the “Work-Free January” movement for a long time now. It’s all part of my plan to add a 13th month to the calendar called “Skibruary”. Until then, we’ll have to settle for the January we have, which has been consistently snowy, wintry, and cold. We’ve gotten about 4 feet of snow since New Year’s Eve, and the mountain remains in very good shape, with lovely soft packed powder surfaces. And it appears that we’ve now entered a more mild weather pattern that will keep temperatures in the low 30s through the holiday weekend, with a chance for flurries each day, and maybe some glimpses of sunshine if my sternly-worded letter to the sky had any influence. If this excellent January is just an effort by 2010 to make a good impression, it’s working. It’s the same reason I insist on giving every stranger I meet a piggyback ride. It always gets the conversation rolling—either with them, or with the arresting officer.

I can already sense that this is going to be way too long, so I’ll try to be brief with the numbers for this weekend. As usual, we plan to run all 6 of our lifts all weekend long—beginning at 8:30am with the Vista Quad. As the opposite of usual, we’ll keep that schedule for the Monday holiday as well, and have a bonus night skiing session until 8pm Sunday evening. This Saturday’s night skiing will be week 2 of Bolton After Dark, featuring $19 lift tickets, $2 pizza, $2 draft beer, and an 8pm movie that, apparently, will not be my own film adaptation of the final Harry Potter novel. I guess teaching my cats to play Quidditch was a waste of time, then. With every lift spinning, snowmaking almost concluded, and Ski Patrol replaced by actors I hired off of Craig’s List, we should be at our highest trail count of the season: 63 out of 64. About half of those are groomed every night. The 63rd trail consists of our two terrain parks—which doesn’t make any sense mathematically, but means that the Burton Progression Park and the newly-christened Butterscotch Park are set to make their season debuts Saturday. The guns fired over 13 acre-feet of snow on them last week, which is now how I measure everything. At lunch I ordered 2 acre-feet of Italian sub, and a half acre-foot of Mountain Dew. I received neither. As you’ve probably guessed, the “Butterscotch Park” name is a shameless attempt to draw sponsorship. But the Werther’s Original people haven’t returned my calls, and Wilford Brimley’s security immediately noticed I was following him. For daily updates, sign up for our snow report here. And you can now follow Bolton Valley on Facebook and Twitter.

Night Riders: Now 100% Hasselhoff-Free
My vow to you, my best anonymous internet friends, is to make it through the entire Night Riders season without mentioning the talking car TV show, or the Bavarian masculinity of David Hasselhoff. That will make these updates on our weekly Wednesday night park events almost impossibly difficult. But according to my therapist and her therapist, my inability to directly discuss the Night Riders series is a symptom of the crippling existential anxiety I feel anytime I see someone skiing switch. Because there’s always a moment there where I wonder if I’ve fallen into an alternate reality where everybody travels backwards. If you’re curious, in that alternate reality, “Bolton After Dark” is a popular MTV reality show, this newsletter is legal currency, and the President of the World is John Malkovich. Not that John Malkovich. It’s just a common name. Back in this universe, the first installment of Night Riders will be held under the lights this Wednesday, January 20th. The nature of the competition changes every week. Sometimes it’s a rail jam (like this upcoming week). Sometimes it’s something called a “4-slope” competition (like next week). Sometimes it’s whatever else we dream up, like “Rail Jam Dodge Ball,” or “Spelling Bee,” or something else that will also never happen. You can keep track of all this on our Online Event Calendar. One thing I can tell you for sure: none of the Night Rider events will involve fighting crime in a sentient Pontiac Trans Am. Unless that’s just what they want me to think.

Deals: Last-Minute Holiday Lodging
Here are some things I learned today: (1) People won't reveal secret glade locations even when threatened with being horribly slandered in a newsletter. (2) A hippopotamus, when excreting, will spin its tails like a propeller to mark as much territory as possible. (3) Gummi Bears candies originated in pre-WWI Germany as “Gummibars” or “Gummibarchen”. Which makes the Gummi Bear cartoon's underlying theme of "rediscovering lost heritage" vaguely troubling. And here’s something I didn’t learn: our ski-and-stay packages for this holiday weekend are just $99 per person, per night. I didn’t learn this, of course, because it was discussed in last week’s newsletter, and I’m capable of forming new memories. Anyway, you can get the details on that lodging package by calling 877-9BOLTON, but the main idea is: you get a lift ticket, a hotel room in the Inn at Bolton Valley, breakfast, and a clue to the location of the hidden immunity idol. I googled “ski and stay package” before going back to reading articles about that fugitive hippo, and I was able to deduce that $99 is a tough deal to beat for this weekend. And, you know what? I don’t have the authority to do this, but if you happen to be a giant hippo on the run from a zoo in Montenegro, we’ll give you that ski-and-stay package for half price*. As long as you let me ride you. Piggyback rides are a two-way street, you know.

Vermont Adaptive Ski-A-Thon: Doing Good For Fun And Profit
As you’re well aware, I generally have no attention span for newsletter items, and just make up a bunch of stuff that amuses me. But the partnership between Vermont Adaptive and Bolton Valley has been an undeniably positive thing these last few seasons, and their fundraiser at the end of this month ought to be a worthwhile event. On Saturday, January 30th  (also known as the “4th of Skibruary” in our new experimental calendar) we’ll host the second annual Vermont Adaptive Ski-A-Thon. You can find the registration information here, but in essence, there will be a 2-hour ski-a-thon that Saturday afternoon, during which people will try to take as many runs as possible. For that reason, I’ll be wearing a teardrop time trial helmet and one of those full-body swim suits from the Olympics. There will also be an après party, live music, a 50/50 raffle, and a barbecue dinner. I haven’t been able to confirm if all of those post-Ski-A-Thon festivities will also be speed competitions. Last year’s event was well-attended, and it’s a nice chance to help an organization that provides recreational opportunities for people with disabilities. So it’s a chance to do some good, and make up for all the unbelievably obnoxious things I do the rest of the year.

Contest: Anagrams
Last week’s haiku-writing contest was a huge success, and now I know never to solicit poetry from people. After eliminating all the ones that were either offensive, or offensive and also about me, it was a tough call selecting a winner. But the contest rules demand one, so, after consulting every famous haiku expert you’ve ever heard of, I’ve chosen the following poem from Meghan (who wisely withheld her last name to add an intriguing sense of mystery):

Five tiny flakes fall
Multiplying by millions
They eat gravity.

I like this poem for its alliteration, and for putting in my head the horrifying image of hungry snowflakes with mouths full of sharp teeth falling from the sky. Which, philosophically, makes skiing an act of self-defense, and lends all my future pole plants a hint of righteous vengeance. In any event, all the haikus were worth reading, and I’ll try to post a few other submissions on Facebook over the weekend. Hopefully this week’s contest will draw fewer artfully-written, yet profanity-laced, submissions. We’re bringing back last season’s Anagram Contest: “Pro knit duel” is an anagram of what Bolton trail name? Send me the correct answer at jthibault@boltonvalley.com, and we’ll send one of you a free lift ticket good any day this season. I’m just astonished that I finally got a chance to combine my love for word play, professional knitting, and duels. But it happened, just like that creepy fortune teller predicted.

That’s all I have for this week, Newsletter Team. After the annual Christmas Thaw, we’ve had nothing but good, snowy weather in the mountains of northern Vermont, and the snowsporting has been fruitful. But I’d really like to see some momentum building behind Skibruary. With a groundswell of popular support, I think we could get ourselves that 13th, all-holiday, month we (mostly me) have been dreaming of. Unlike that absurd “Snowboardvember” movement. Those people are weird.

Justin

* Must show applicable zoo tags and a valid Montenegro passport.